COOL HAND OF A GIRL
(2804 Dundas St. W.)

HANK AND MIKE v2.0: Chris & Tomas

RATINGS:
FOOD: 4+
PRICE: 2
SERVICE: 2+
AMBIANCE: 3+


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: YES
COFFEE INCLUDED: NO
FREE REFILLS: NO
LICENSED: NO
HP SAUCE: NO
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: NO
OPEN-KITCHEN: YES

As the world enters what many view as the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression, many contributing factors are beginning to interfere with the daily grind of those from every walk of life. Economic turmoil is resulting in large layoffs, cutbacks and market volatility as well as rapid fluctuations in fuel prices and the cost of staple products and services. Foreclosure and unemployment rates are increasing nationally at an alarming rate and the credit crunch is effecting millions. Worst of all, however, our current economic slump seems to be affecting one of my favorite past times: ALL-DAY BREAKFAST! Aside from our being broke, many independently owned and operated restaurants and cafés are dropping like flies which in turn sent Tomas and I on a wild goose chase from Bloor West Village, throughout Etobicoke, full circle to The Junction before we could finally find a decent place to catch up over a couple of eggs and a cup of joe.

All-Day Breakfast:
2 scrambled free-range eggs
organic multi-grain toast
coleslaw or roast potatoes
$7.75+tx.
Add:
spicy chicken sausage (1.99)
toast (.99/ slice)
1/2 avocado (2.50)
chevre (1.99)
toasted almonds (1.50)
braised tofu (1.99)
chicken (2.50)
organic jam, peanut butter or honey (.50)


THE FOOD: Unlike most breakfast joints, Cool Hand Of A Girl's fare doesn't leave you feeling guilty for having gone out for breakfast in the first place. Not for the hungover in need of aid; the portions are more fulfilling than filling, leaving you feeling content rather than crammed. The scrambled free-range eggs are done to perfection. The potatoes, lightly seasoned, are complimented wonderfully by the homemade tomato-based hot sauce. The organic multi-grain toast was crunchy and wholesome. The curry/honey mustard coleslaw with it's toasted pumpkin seeds was a nice change of pace and the spicy chicken sausage left me wondering where I could buy a few links.

THE PRICE: If the food wasn't so healthy and didn't leave you feeling so goddamn great, it'd be much harder to justify spending over $15 on such humble portions. Not a place to frequent if you're on a budget, but if the recession isn't hitting you too hard yet and you can still afford to drop good coin on a good breakfast you'll be left feeling...good.

THE SERVICE: Minimal yet attentive. We ordered at the cash off a large blackboard and weren't checked in on at any point, however, what contact we did have with our server and the assumed owner was quite pleasant.

THE AMBIANCE: An unexpected establishment in a fairly wild and woolly neighborhood, Cool Hand Of A Girl is a pretty standard kitschy café in the same camp as the original Mitzi's, Aunties and Uncles, Yasi's Place and Saving Grace. With it's mix-matched retro furniture and walls adorned with local art it's nothing we haven't seen before but always a welcome addition to the mix. On a side-note, if it's good enough for Hank and Mike it's good enough for me.


Where most places try to reel in canvas bag toting wannabe-conscious eco-chic douchebags with trendy catchphrases like organic, fat-free, free-range and fair trade; Cool Hand sells the sizzle not the steak. In a partially-gentrified, low income neighborhood like The Junction, these catchphrases come across as being much more genuine than they might in Yorkville or Forest Hill for example. All in all, Cool Hand Of A Girl is definitely worth checking out if you find yourself famished and fancy some food to facilitate feeling in fine feather. (Fuckin' eh.)

WE'RE BACK...
We know. It's been 9 months sans update. We shit the bed.
We will however make a point to be back more often from here on in to keep you in the loop with all things greasy as often as conditions permit. Also, if I can find my physical notes, I'll finally get around to writing up Queen Star and Stem as I intended to last March. On a side-note, we won't be updating quite as often as in the past; seeing as we've found our new religiously regular joint hindering us from making the rounds as often as we once did. On that note, check out the official Church of Chops website, brought to you by the Porch Chops; hosting weekly hymns and an invitation to our weekly club meeting at the raddest Sunday breakfast in town: Bluegrass Brunch at The Dakota Tavern.

QUEEN STAR RESTAURANT
(1116 Queen St. W.)

THE QUEEN WEST QUIPSTERS: Chris Paul & Michelle

RATINGS:
FOOD:
PRICE:
SERVICE:
AMBIANCE:


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: YES & NO
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: NO
OPEN-KITCHEN: YES

Coming Soon...

BREAKFAST SPECIAL:
4 eggs
bacon, ham or sausage
homefries
toast
coffee
$4.95+tx. ($5.95 after 11:30)

STANDARD BREAKFAST:
2 eggs
bacon, ham or sausage
homefries
toast
$3.95+tx.


THE FOOD: ...

THE PRICE: ...

THE SERVICE: ...

THE AMBIANCE: ...

Coming Soon...

STEM OPEN KITCHEN (354 Queen St. W.)

THE HOSTS WITH THE MOSTS Chris & Kevin

RATINGS:
FOOD:
PRICE:
SERVICE:
AMBIANCE:


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: NO
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: NO
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: YES
OPEN-KITCHEN: YES

Coming Soon...

STANDARD BREAKFAST:
3 eggs
bacon, ham or sausage
homefries
toast
$5.75+tx.


THE FOOD: ...

THE PRICE: ...

THE SERVICE: ...

THE AMBIANCE: ...


Coming Soon...

NEWELL'S CAFÉ (784 Queen St. E.)

THE DEAD RINGERS: Chris & Tomas

RATINGS:
FOOD: 4
PRICE: 4+
SERVICE: 4
AMBIANCE: 4+


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: YES
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: NO
OPEN-KITCHEN: YES

What do you get when you combine a slew of beggared drunks, $11 pitchers of beer, a toothless hooker and Burton Cummings on the jukebox? Character; that's what. Although Newell's Café, found on Queen East, just down the street from the famous Jilly's in Toronto's charmingly slummy Queen Broadview Village may seem a little sketchy at first glance, the food is sublime and the clientele are eclectic to say the very least.

NEWELL'S COMBINATION BREAKFAST:
2 eggs
bacon
sausage
ham
homefries
toast
$4.75+tx.


THE FOOD: As the age old proverb goes, "You can't judge a book by it's cover"; and that's the best way I can think of to describe this truly questionable hole in the wall. From both the inside and out, Newell's seems pretty crude; but given the chance, ol' Franky on the griddle is like the Jesus of breakfast, performing miracles with every broken eggshell. For a mere $4.75 (a .50 cent upgrade from the standard eggs n' bakey), one can order up the greasiest miracle of them all; Newell's Combination Breakfast. A bottomless cuppa coffee, two slices of perfectly fried bacon, two tasty sausages, two pieces of thinly sliced ham (which I initially mistook for fried bologna), two eggs, two slices of toast and a heaping pile of simple yet sapid hashbrowns.

THE PRICE: The best priced all-day breakfast in town. With $11 pitchers and a $4.25 breakfast including coffee, how they even make a profit here is beyond me.

THE SERVICE: And it goes a little something like this...

Drunkard: "Franky! You ever get a call from a phone number that said 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0? It said...1 million."
Drunkard's Girlfriend: "No! It said 1 million and 1 stupid! I think it was the creditors!"
Drunkard: But we don't have credit...
Franky: ... (*blank faced and confused*)
Old guy: You guys want some more coffee?"

But yeah...not as funny to read as it was to witness story aside, the service was pretty damn good. Although Franky seems to have the relative IQ of a deckchair, he's good at what he does and the other old chap is quicktime on the coffees and making sure the jukebox keeps bumpin' the ol' country jams. Kudos.

THE AMBIANCE: Approaching Newell's Café, Tomas and I were kindly greeted by a half-crocked native girl letting us know how great the food was inside. Impressed with the courtesy, we strolled inside and out of the clear blue sky came the belting voice of a young Mick Jones, singing in my head an appropriate Should I Stay or Should I Go?. Looking at Tomas, I could see he was thinking the same thing. I don't quite recall who made the first move, but before I knew it we were seated at a long and disheveled diner style bar with menus and coffees in front of us. A good part of Newell's charm can be attributed to the mish-mash of makeshift shelves, faux wood panelling, dirty old wallpaper, 70's bar paraphernalia and photos of 50's icons. Oh, and it smelled like Horseshoe Camp. I miss Horseshoe. Horseshoe Camp Trivia: Cher and and one of her mother's early husbands used to travel up to Horseshoe (a family owned bush camp north of Spanish, ON, only accessible by snowmobile) in the 50's and my great grandpa used to take her ice-fishing. Now you know.

Put simply; Newell's Café is not for the tight-laced and we like it that way. If you're on the east end, craving the greasiest of spoons and don't get squeamish around a rowdy bunch of derelicts with barely enough teeth in the whole joint to form a full set, then you're our kind of people and Newell's Café might just be your kind of place.

LAKEVIEW LUNCH (1132 Dundas St. W.)

THE WRECKING CREW: Chris, Paul & Lonero

RATINGS:
FOOD: 4
PRICE: 4
SERVICE: 3
AMBIANCE: 4


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: YES
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: YES
BOOTHS: YES
OPEN-KITCHEN: NO

It goes like this. If I had to suggest two things for you to experience that would be so satisfying you'd undoubtedly feel the need to tell everybody and your facebook list; something I would bet both my cats and Tomas' TV (maybe just Tomas' TV) on; they would be as follows:
A) Double Tasking 101: Before a night of shittin' gettered, grab an ice cold 6-pack out the fridge (tall cans if you fancy yourself a beast) and jump in the shower. Not only will you tidy yourself up nicely for the ladies or lads, but it'll be the most refreshing pre-drink you've ever experienced.
Bonus: If you can polish 'em off before your toes wrinkle, +25 Stamina as everybody's favorite Rogue, Lonero might say. (Disclaimer: Shave or take care of anything particularly technical beforehand for obvious reasons.)
B) Grab breakfast at the very same place Rocco popped the two wannabe goodfellas and a bartender in The Boondock Saints. Lakeview Lunch, believe it or not, isn't on Beacon Hill; but rather at the corner of Dundas and Ossington in Toronto's colourful Portugal Village. Eat lunch there too. And grab a drink later on. And then breakfast again the next day.

STANDARD BREAKFAST:
2 eggs
bacon
hashbrowns
baked beans
toast
coffee
$6.95+tx.
Sub:
Peameal (.55)
Virginia Ham (.55)
Spicy Sausage ($1)


THE FOOD: Paul was initially hesitant when Lakeview's name came up seeing as he's had a not so badass breakfast experience there in the past. On this particular occasion however, it took him no more than two bites to withdraw any negative comments he may have been saving up. Everything on my plate was rad squared. I went with the egg bread. Duder called it something else that I can't quite recall at the moment. I'm not a fucking bread expert. The eggs were eggs; plain and simple, no squiggles, just eggs. The homefries were sliced like big fat potato chips and although I'm not a huge deep-fried potato fan, they just seemed to work. The bacon was the highlight; thickly sliced and including the leanest rasher I've ever seen in all my years of breakfast consumption. Seriously though, there wasn't even the faintest hint of fat. I'd never seen anything like it. Outside of the breakfast tip, Lonero and his "All Cock Diet" appropriately ordered the Mango Jerk Burger. He said it was scrumptious in a really questionable voice. (Probably not, but I can totally picture it.)
Paul Side-Note: The apple juice was way too tart and bordering on cider. (It needed sugar and water just to get it to a drinkable state.)
Chris Side-Note: Everybody had their own bottle of HP!
Chris Side-Note v2.0 I really wish I wouldn't have fucked up my camera phone settings and taken the photos at 220x176. The shitty shots don't do this grub justice.

THE PRICE: The price was $6.95. It came with coffee. I couldn't complain.

THE SERVICE: The service was top shelf. Dude was funny and on the ball until it was time for the bill, but everybody gets 1 get out of jail free card. We ordered up some waters and when they came around, Lonero and I each got a big fat pint whereas Paul was given a tiny little toddler glass. Needless to say, it was fucking hilarious. Paul: "Are you trying to punk me?!" Other than that, the guy was nothing less than helpful and humorous every step along the way. Word to his moms, he came and dropped...eggs, he had more jokes than a spiders got legs.

THE AMBIANCE: While half of the places littered across this fair city of ours are trying their damnedest to hit you in the nostalgia bone with their tawdry decors, booth seating and the like, Lakeview Lunch is clearly not one of them. I'm not saying it doesn't have all of that and then some. The difference here is it isn't going out of it's way to; it's just been that way for 60 years. Comfy leather booths, a lonnng-ass bar, Art Deco detailing and old Hollywood movie posters all add to the nostalgia factor that most places strive for without trying 1/61st as hard (Does that make sense?). The menu is jokes with it's istockphoto.com watermarked images and "gay pride banner" headers, but that would be my only vice. Shit. I'd redesign them for free if only to make the place that much better.


Lakeview Lunch, bought and restored in the mid-90's by Ken Sprackman of the Horseshoe Tavern fame (which didn't surprise me at all looking at the place) and under new management in recent years ignores all the fads that are quickly cluttering Toronto's breakfast world. A honest to goodness diner that sticks to what it knows which is sticking to your ribs. Ignore all the shit reviews you'll find on the internets; those guys are whiney bitches.

SKYLINE RESTAURANT
(1426 Queen St. W.)

THE HUNTING PARTY: Chris, Missy, Paul & Gira

RATINGS:
FOOD: 2+
PRICE: 2 (all day) / 3+ (special)
SERVICE: 2+
AMBIANCE: 4


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES (special until 11am)
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: YES
COFFEE INCLUDED: NO
FREE REFILLS: NO
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: YES
OPEN-KITCHEN: NO

What's in a name? Where I come from, a place with a name like Skyline Restaurant is generally accompanied by nothing less than, you guessed it, a beautiful skyline. As far as Toronto is concerned, however, this seems to be far from the case. The only view you'll find looking out from Skyline Restaurant is the beautiful Queen West strip of Parkdale, hobos wearing sombreros and all. Skyline Restaurant's name is almost as ironic as Lakeview Lunch (1132 Dundas St. W.); situated no less than 3 kms from anything even resembling a lake view. If anything, I'm thinking they should trade names. Lakeview Lunch at the very least has a view of the CN Tower and Skyline Restaurant makes you feel as though you're eating in the dining room of an old cruise ship. Then again, some people tell me I tend to be a tad too literal.

ALL DAY BREAKFAST:
2 eggs
bacon or ham
potatoes (mashed, boiled or french fries)
toast
$6.75+tx.

BREAKFAST SPECIAL: (until 11am)
2 eggs
bacon or ham
homefries
toast
coffee
$5.25+tx.


THE FOOD: At Skyline Restaurant, lunch + eggs = breakfast; or as Paul aptly put it "The eggs are the only ones keepin' it real." Eggs aside, breakfast consisted of a side of fries, two slices of toast, bacon, lettuce and tomato (*cough* BLT). All in all, Skyline's All Day Breakfast was nothing special and if anything I'd suggest hitting them up before 11, when they serve up something more closely resembling a traditional breakfast at a muuuch better price (seeing as coffee is included). On that note; refills are not free all day, yet there is a loophole! Only drink half a cup at a time before getting it topped off. It's only considered a refill if it's being filled bottom up. ;)
Gira 'The Sausage Hunter' Side-Note: The sausages taste like delicious!
Paul Side-Note: The eggs are doing that boogery shit!
Chris Side-Note: Squiggles!
Gira 'The Sausage Hunter' Side-Note v 2.0: Who do you work for lettuce?!!

THE PRICE: The all day price was pretty average; however lack of freefills and not having homefries as a potato option made the price seem a touch too hefty for what it was worth. Not really a place worth grabbing breakfast unless it's before 11; which in most of our cases sounds like a blasphemy on the weekend.

THE SERVICE: The service started on a much higher note than it ended. Our server seemed quick and courteous from the get-go; waters in hand before we sat down, asking if we wanted separate bills and the like. As breakfast progressed, however, I felt she seemed to develop a bit of an attitude and didn't come across as being nearly as nice as she did when we walked in the door.
Everybody Side-Note: CASH ONLY. All four of us took turns getting kicked in the balls (or baby makers) by the $2 ATM service charge at the store across the street.

THE AMBIANCE: The ambiance is, in all honesty, the only thing that would ever bring me back to this place for breakfast. The restaurant is laid out in "reverse mullet" fashion with a traditional diner in the front and fine dining in the back. Throughout, you get the feeling like you're eating in the dining room of an old cruise ship and if you sway back and forth the effect is enhanced tenfold (Disclaimer: people will look at you like you're a fuckin' nut-job). We opted for the large and enclosed, more private, two tabled booth in the middle of the restaurant which ended up encompassing the best of both worlds and was bar none the best seat in the house. Along with the booth came a plethora of toys (other than the colouring book and markers Missy carried around with her over the weekend). The toys included everything from Barbie and Predator to a tiny indian wielding a spear (who from what we could tell was after our bacon the little fucker).
The lighting was dim; the music was classical and the seats were some of the comfiest on which I've ever rested my loins. Hands down the best (and quite possibly the only) good thing about our visit.
Paul Side-Note: Everything was going great until the local miniature natives showed up!


Mimi's no longer exists. I hadn't been there in a couple of years. It closed like 4 months ago. Thanks for letting us know before we walked our asses over in the rain and kicked around crack pipes (literally) out front waiting for Paul to show up, only to have to go elsewhere. Elsewhere ended up being Skyline Restaurant. Skyline Restaurant is par at best. I miss Mimi. :(

GLADSTONE HOTEL (1214 Queen St. W.)
gladstonehotel.com

THE CHAPFALLEN TRIO: Chris, Paul & Michelle

RATINGS:
FOOD: 1+
PRICE: 1
SERVICE: 1+
AMBIANCE: 3+


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: NO (sat & sun, 8am-4pm)
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: NO
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: YES
OPEN-KITCHEN: NO

After swimming the night away in a pool of PBR (almost literally at some points), nothing seemed better the following morning than the idea of a big greasy breakfast. On this particular day, however, at the Gladstone Hotel, nothing could have been more disappointing. The Gladstone, located in Parkdale at the corner of Gladstone and Queen, is a unique urban hotel providing both travelers and Torontonians with a truly authentic experience of the local creative culture.
(...and a shitty breakfast.)

NITTY GRITTY SHITTY SHITTY BREAKFAST:
2 eggs
grilled peameal or strip bacon
baked beans
homefries
whole wheat toast
$9.95+tx.

BREAKFAST & BRUNCH MENU


THE FOOD: Shockingly small, disgustingly dry, outrageousely bland and shamelessly half-assed. (Not to be too harsh.) I would honestly be embarrassed to serve this filth to that lady with the mustache down on Queen that always asks if you can "Spaaare a quaaarter?" all loud and drawn-out like and on more than one occasion has asked me if i've "Got a banaaanaaa?" (What???). The Nitty Gritty Breakfast = One slice of dry unbuttered toast, 2 slices of dry crumbly deep-fried bacon, a couple of burnt homefries, 2 slimy half-fried eggs & a dry brown paste that's supposedly beans. The only things that were even remotely appetizing were the coffee and the strawberry earning the food a 1; and the HP Sauce was kept chilled, gaining it the +.
Michelle Side-Note: Their dinner is good at least. Try the grilled cheese.

THE PRICE: Highway. Fucking. Robbery. Unreasonably overpriced and in the end, the worst bang for your buck (or 16 bucks for that matter) in the history of The Morning After. At more than $15 dollars each, it was a price I would expect from The Drake, maybe, but was both appalled and disappointed to see coming from the Gladstone.

THE SERVICE: Laggard, lazy, slothful, slow and sluggish. The service was honestly shit for lack of a better word. We waited a solid 10 minutes before we were approached for our drink order, after which our coffees took another 10 minutes to even arrive. As Paul stated, "Call me old fashioned, but I should really have a coffee by now". We had to ask multiple times for water. Agua?! We weren't approached at any point during the meal to see how things were; we couldn't even get the attention of the server for that matter and we weren't offered refills until well after we had finished eating. All in all, I wish I was more of an asshole (even though I was called one twice yesterday), seeing as a tip was left even though there was nothing done at at any point during our visit that came even close to being deserving of one. My opinion on the matter; if you're gonna work for tips, work for tips.

THE AMBIANCE: The ambiance alone was the only piece of the puzzle deserving of a rating higher than 1+. As anyone hip to the the scene knows, the Gladstone is a pretty decent place to spend an evening and the vibe, although noteably different, is equally as swell the following morning. The Gladstone offers up two very contrasting environments in which to (attempt to) enjoy your breakfast. To the left when entering is the Ballroom Café; a smaller, quaint little café with tall victorian windows and exposed brick walls. To the right of the entrance you'll find the Melody Bar; a larger, more open concept tavern of sorts (which we opted for) adorned with Alabaster lamps, a long wood bar and faux marble pillars. A relaxing bar, as Michelle stated, you feel like you're eating breakfast in small town Northern Ontario (minus the small town courtesy). 10' ceilings, "good ol' tavern chairs" and a wide variety of century old architectural attributes. We sat up on the stage (generally home to karaoke singers and local bands), which was hands down the best seat in the house and the only true complaint I had regarding the ambiance was that the music was just downright unpleasant (from Coldplay to The Village People).
Chris Side-Note: Their menus are well designed.
Michelle Side-Note: They misspelt Hollandaise.
Paul (completely unrelated) Side-Note: Check out Kitlers!

The Gladstone Hotel, although a prime location for live music, karaoke and a few too many pints is a far cry from a prime breakfast location. If you're in the area and get a hankerin' for some bacon and eggs, rather than wasting your time and money at the Gladstone, head directly across the street to Country Site Café (1181 Queen St. W.). Sure the place is a ghetto knock-off of Country Style, but their breakfast bagels are fucking spectacular and are around 1/5 the cost of the excrement in breaky's clothing they serve up at the Gladstone.

CORA'S BREAKFAST & LUNCH
(277 Wellington St. W.)
chezcora.com

THE ROCK N' ROLL PORNOGRAPHERS: Chris & Kevin

RATINGS:
FOOD: 3+
PRICE: 2+
SERVICE: 4
AMBIANCE: 1


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: NO
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: YES
BOOTHS: YES
OPEN-KITCHEN: YES

What do you do when your winter is well on it's way to becoming one of discontent, it's a wednesday afternoon with jack shit to do at work and the only sensible thoughts to cross your mind are in the form of bacon and eggs? Call up Kevin, roll on down to Cora's Breakfast & Lunch, steps from the corner of Wellington and Blue Jays Way and discuss dirty birds and sea turtles, how incredibly lame Tattoo Rock Parlour is, possible techniques for shooting the knees out of your jeans with a shotgun, the night of inevitable debauchery that lies ahead and how shitty the Blackberry Pearl's camera is. (Note the photos in question; however it may have been the sheer paleness of Kevin's skin that blinded the lens.)

BACON N' EGGS:
2 eggs
bacon or sausage
toast
hash browns
$5.65+tx.
Add:
sausage (1.50)


THE FOOD: Cora's food was better than five vicodin, a cold beer and a hot shower. I broke my strictly bacon and eggs rule this time around and opted for a few bangers. Good bacon. Good hashbrowns. Good marble rye. Shitty coffee. Good eggs. I'm out.
Kevin Side-Note: Their sausages suck. They're fuckin' soggy. Fuck.
Chris Side-Note: They have Molson Dry!

THE PRICE: I've written something quasi clever (or so I tell myself) for this exact same price range approximately 9 times over (approximately). Go read one of those. I'm not a fucking Z6000 Writing Robot programmed to expel witty quips at the push of a button. Jeez.

THE SERVICE: As the pop princess and ever articulate Avril Lavigne once said (aside from "I'm with a sk8er boi, I said see ya later boy"), "Fa fa fa, fast fast fast fast". Cora's service was not only that on this particular day, but the server was on the ball from sitting down to settling up. Quick with the drinks. Quick with the grub. Quick with the refills. All with a smile. Word to his moms.

THE AMBIANCE: Vomiting (also called throwing up or emesis) is the forceful expulsion of the contents of one's stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose. Vomiting may result from many causes, ranging from gastritis or poisoning to elevated intracranial pressure or Cora's interior decor. A mishmash of what I'd call country kitchen, daycare and french design (the Québécois kind...not the good kind). Cora's is far from easy on the eyes or très tocard as they might say in it's city of origin.
Kevin Side-Note: It's alot nicer in the summer when the garage doors open.

Seeing as the francophone population aren't particularly known for their design sense as much as they are their taste in food, it's not hard to believe this place originated in La Belle Province. However being a wretched eyesore, the food and service amply make up for the fact that you'll want to gouge your eyes out with your stirring spoon. My advice; wait till the summer, sit on the patio and cut out the interior decor completely.

THE MORNING AFTER: ON THE ROAD EDITION
JAK'S DINER
(1100 Barrydowne Rd. ∙ Sudbury, ON)

THE NORTHERNERS: Chris, Missy, Adam, Amelie, Lionel, Brock, Phil, Geno, Peggy & Darren

RATINGS:
FOOD: 2+
PRICE: 2+
SERVICE: 4
AMBIANCE: 2


ALL-DAY BREAKFAST: YES
COFFEE/ESPRESSO BAR: NO
COFFEE INCLUDED: NO
FREE REFILLS: YES
LICENSED: YES
HP SAUCE: YES
PATIO: NO
BOOTHS: YES
OPEN-KITCHEN: NO

What do you do when the streets seem too crowded, the lights get to bright and the city starts to make you a little jaded? Take a rip to Sudbury for the weekend, pay a few visits and get fucked up like a pile of coat hangers, that's what. Needless to say, an early afternoon breakfast at Jak's Diner, just down the street from Lasalle on Barrydowne will be well in order. In my case, after a night of gettin' stinko around a fire at Peggy's and ending with Darren buying round after round (after round after round after round after round) at Peddlers, the following morning came alongside the worst headache in the history of ever. The treatment for said headache was pretty obvious. Bacon & eggs with 50 cc's of Jak's caesary goodness, stat!

STANDARD BREAKFAST:
3 eggs
bacon, ham, sausage or bologna
homefries
toast
$5.70+tx.


THE FOOD: Basic northern fare with none of the frou-frou fruit and salad of the big city. The problem with this was the price in question didn't exactly reflect the no frills approach. The homefries were cash as always; deep fried with a dash of seasoning salt and a hint of awesome. The caesars were as bloody as I remember them (especially with a pickle from Peggy's rueben thrown in for good measure), but the bacon was crispy, thin and reminiscent of that 30 second microwavable rubbish.

THE PRICE: $5.70, €3.86, ¥604.60, ₨222.98, £2.88, ₣25.36, ₫90,092, R$ 9,87, ₩1,381.55, ฿176.28... No matter how (or where) you put it, it could afford to be a little less.

THE SERVICE: The first round of service at Jak's was a step above the second (seeing as the table we moved to after ordering came with a new server), hence the rating given is much more reflective of the first half of our visit. Outside of giving us an entire pitcher of water and being super-quicktime with the grub, Server #2 didn't bring much more to the table (Get it? Didn't bring much more to the table!). Server #1 on the other hand, pulled up a seat with us to take our order, got everyone at the table's first name and proceeded to ask us what "colour'a toast" we wanted. Not to mention, if you'll notice the expressions in the photo below, came out during our photo shoot to let Missy know that "Everyone in the restaurant wants to thank you for crackin' us a smile!"; and if you've ever met Missy, you'll know exactly what she was talking about.


THE AMBIANCE: Nothing fancy. They seem to be going for the classic diner vibe with the stool lined bar and walls dense with posters of 50's stars, but outside of that, not alot of effort seems to have went into the place. Not to hate though, seeing as it's what you'd expect from small city Northern Ontario, without the interior design resources of the South. All together, they must be doing something right seeing as there was a line up out the door and the joint was at full capacity.

The girls are out to Bingo and the boys are gettin' stinko,
And we think no more of Inco on a Sudbury Saturday night.
The glasses they will tinkle when our eyes begin to twinkle,
And we'll think no more of Inco on a Sudbury Saturday night.